Folks, this one’s real, though one of the speakers has been largely imagined.

Man on phone: God, I’m so pissed!

Customer-service rep.: I’m very sorry, sir.

Man on phone: So you’re telling me somebody bought “Street Fighter” using my phone?

Customer-service rep.: Yes, sir. Did you lose your phone at some point?

Man on phone: Well, I think I lost it Thursday night, but I got really drunk that night and didn’t realize it was gone until the next morning. I was so pissed, but I looked everywhere for it, and just as I was about to call and deactivate it, I found it.

Customer-service rep.: Uh huh.

Man on phone: Wait, can you look up the person’s account who bought it and find out who they are, so we can get them?

Customer-service rep.: No, sir. They used your account. It’s your phone.

Man on phone: Right. Man, I got to get a new phone. Hey, what do you think of the Samsung OMNIA? Has that been doing all right?

Customer-service rep.: Thank you for calling AT&T, sir. Have a nice day.

–CLICK–

Tags: daily dialogue

Pilot: I was doing nothing more than flying––nothing more.

Inspector: Yes, but isn’t the very act of flying suspicious, considering you’ve had little to no training in such an endeavor?

Pilot: I spent four years in the U.S. Flight Force and have been flying commercially ever since.

Inspector: Still, your gravity defiance has left me quite concerned.

Pilot: This is preposterous. Hold on a moment, would you? (Into the blinking red phone) Pilot to base, my artificial horizon is all jimbly, and the black and yellow lever is dangly doo. Please respond.

Inspector: In the meantime, I’ve detained your crew and removed this critical wire to dust for fingerprints.

–CRASH–

Tags: daily dialogue

Guy: It’s snowing again, eh?

Dude: Yup. It’s gonna be tough driving tomorrow.

Guy: Don’t remind me. But, hey, it can’t be as bad near my place as it will be near yours. Last week, I don’t know how I even got out of your driveway.

Dude: Mmm. What? Wait, you haven’t been over to the house since Thanksgiving, and it was as dry and sunny as a Christian choir girl. What were you doing in my driveway?

Guy: I boned your wife.

THE END

Tags: daily dialogue

As someone who’s spent a fair amount of time learning about words and their contextual weight, I can’t help but wonder: what if we changed the word marriage to a different, less powerful word? What if suddenly the word marriage in religious books and church doctrine became as meaningless as 50% of the nation’s heterosexual matrimony? What if we replaced the word marriage with a word we can all be happy about, a word (or two) without negative consequences or stipulations, a word like ice cream?

Isn’t this a good idea? No? Allow me to present my case:

• Ice cream comes in tons of flavors, just like the human population. And although some combinations seem better suited for one another, any flavor mixture will be unique and sweet and delicious because, well, it’s ice cream. Some fantastic flavors had to overcome great hardships to be recognized and eventually popularized. Do you think Spumoni was embraced right away after the Italians cast it aside? No. Chocolate and Pistachio––along with their kids, Fruits and Nuts––fought for years to secure their rights. Do you think Vanilla and Chocolate were always allowed to swirl? No way. In fact, until 1967 the vanilla-chocolate swirl was banned in 16 states.
• Ice cream is fundamentally basic: sugar, cream, ice. And little differences here and there add to the diversity of flavors we all enjoy. It’s fine if you only like your ice cream a certain way. Maybe you always order Strawberry and Vanilla, and nothing anyone says will change your mind. That’s great. And if someone in line next to you orders Rainbow Sherbet and Coconut, it won’t affect you in any way; you can continue to eat your ice cream the way you want.
• Even the lactose intolerant have options. Let’s say you’re a totally intolerant person, and you look around at all the ice-cream combinations in disgust and indignation. These combinations shouldn’t be allowed, you think, and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe Jesus, the Latino ice-cream truck driver, told you these combinations were bad, that they went against everything ice cream stood for, and you’re angry. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to speak out about your anger. But maybe you stop listening to Jesus and his truck for a moment. Maybe you decide to see for yourself what ice cream is all about. You could always introduce yourself to those new hippie neighbors, the Soy Scoops; perhaps that nice healthy couple from your child’s soccer games, the Sorbets, would like to come over for dinner. Suddenly you realize that, wow, ice cream isn’t so bad. These flavors and varieties seem great, maybe even normal. What was I so mad about?

This all seems a bit ridiculous, doesn’t it? It might be. But it’s not half as ridiculous as the injustice currently pervading this country.

Grow up, live your life, and eat your own damn flavors.

Tags: homophobia, gay marriage, ice cream