As someone who’s spent a fair amount of time learning about words and their contextual weight, I can’t help but wonder: what if we changed the word marriage to a different, less powerful word? What if suddenly the word marriage in religious books and church doctrine became as meaningless as 50% of the nation’s heterosexual matrimony? What if we replaced the word marriage with a word we can all be happy about, a word (or two) without negative consequences or stipulations, a word like ice cream?

Isn’t this a good idea? No? Allow me to present my case:

• Ice cream comes in tons of flavors, just like the human population. And although some combinations seem better suited for one another, any flavor mixture will be unique and sweet and delicious because, well, it’s ice cream. Some fantastic flavors had to overcome great hardships to be recognized and eventually popularized. Do you think Spumoni was embraced right away after the Italians cast it aside? No. Chocolate and Pistachio––along with their kids, Fruits and Nuts––fought for years to secure their rights. Do you think Vanilla and Chocolate were always allowed to swirl? No way. In fact, until 1967 the vanilla-chocolate swirl was banned in 16 states.
• Ice cream is fundamentally basic: sugar, cream, ice. And little differences here and there add to the diversity of flavors we all enjoy. It’s fine if you only like your ice cream a certain way. Maybe you always order Strawberry and Vanilla, and nothing anyone says will change your mind. That’s great. And if someone in line next to you orders Rainbow Sherbet and Coconut, it won’t affect you in any way; you can continue to eat your ice cream the way you want.
• Even the lactose intolerant have options. Let’s say you’re a totally intolerant person, and you look around at all the ice-cream combinations in disgust and indignation. These combinations shouldn’t be allowed, you think, and it doesn’t feel right. Maybe Jesus, the Latino ice-cream truck driver, told you these combinations were bad, that they went against everything ice cream stood for, and you’re angry. You have the right to be angry. You have the right to speak out about your anger. But maybe you stop listening to Jesus and his truck for a moment. Maybe you decide to see for yourself what ice cream is all about. You could always introduce yourself to those new hippie neighbors, the Soy Scoops; perhaps that nice healthy couple from your child’s soccer games, the Sorbets, would like to come over for dinner. Suddenly you realize that, wow, ice cream isn’t so bad. These flavors and varieties seem great, maybe even normal. What was I so mad about?

This all seems a bit ridiculous, doesn’t it? It might be. But it’s not half as ridiculous as the injustice currently pervading this country.

Grow up, live your life, and eat your own damn flavors.

Tags: homophobia, gay marriage, ice cream

This isn’t crazy exciting, but during a busy and uniquely odd day this really rounded things out.

Jim Belushi (“Mr. Destiny”) and Chris O’Donnell (“Batman Forever”) came in for breakfast this morning with what I assume were their families and friends. The whole thing struck me as odd mainly because I hadn’t heard about any upcoming projects featuring the two men, and, well, you just don’t realize who knows whom out there in Hollywoodland until they’re in a movie together.

Does anyone know why these guys are visiting Seattle? And I don’t want to hear they’re opening a moderate-celebrity themed restaurant. Planet (the suburb just outside) Hollywood?

Tags: Jim Belushi, James Belushi, Chris O'Donnell, celebrity